Sunday, December 30, 2012

Not Just My Story

Everyone has a story to tell & everyone has there own cross to bear & I never thought I'd be here fixin to turn 60 with so many regrets & wish I'da done's.

We were in Burger King before Christmas & while Caleb was getting our breakfast I couldn't help but hear two old men talking. Well actually, one was doing all the talking & the other was either listening intently or asleep. It wasn't so much what the man said, but more my realization that he was telling his son's whole life story to the other man. Even while listening I thought WHY is he telling all this personal stuff in such detail & so publicly? I kept thinking if I were his son, well I wouldn't want my life story just blurted out for everyone to hear.

Guess what a blog is?!

This is the main reason I've never attached my real name to my blog. Those that know me, & if I want them to know, know I have a blog  & those that don't just happen across a somewhat anonymous story. Also if no real names are attached it could stand as fiction & hopefully no legal mess could ensue. Alas this is a true, dull ordinary lifetime that I'm recording.

And that was another thought in listening to the old man; people want to be remembered. The Bible says our life is but a vapor, here today & gone tomorrow.

I think of all the loved ones gone before me, but I knew them; lived in their lifetime & loved them. Caleb was born long after parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles & so on had long since passed. Even my stories of them are like fictional characters.

I can relate to the old man; he seemed to be reaching out in desperation for anyone who would listen & remember.

I do believe everyone has a story to tell & a story worth telling. Although we think sometimes we are alone in whatever circumstance we land in, we aren't. There is always someone else who's been there, knows someone that's been there or are going to be there in the future. For a lot of folks reaching out is the hardest part.

Think about that next time you hear your spouses' story for the umpteenth time or your child is speaking to you & you keep doing what you're doing & nodding your head & gruttin "uhuh".

Yes, hand raised, guilty here!

Thought I was being so clever always telling Caleb I hear with my ears & I have two of em! But it's that some one's attention we want, we want them to SEE us. This may be the only time you HEAR with your EYES!

Most of the time I feel so overwhelmed by so much to do that there seems no time even for my family. And I have not been a very dedicated blogger. Usually I tell myself my best stories when I wake in the middle of the night.

I'm trying to do better, Lord knows I'm trying. I feel like He's trying to gently prepare me for something. After all, that's our purpose here on earth, to prepare for our eternal life with Him.

I find myself saying or thinking, wish I'da done or not done that when I was young. So I have to ask myself, will I ever need to remember WHAT I was doing when every one's life story was being told?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Is This My Life!

You know how life just slaps you in the face sometimes?  Well, I got one of those out of the blue the other day.  Was just sitting outside minding my own business and whop!

Where does this stuff come from?  Is the devil taking advantage of my idol mind?  Is this something that I actually thought of?  Is God testing me?  Or is this just one of those unexplainable happenings?  And why does it even matter?

Well I can answer the last question.  It matters because it was in my head and I want to reason it out.  By the way, sometimes the slap is physical & sometimes mental.  This one was mental.  Suddenly, without warning, the statement 'is this what I want to do with my life' just popped in my head.  And it sounded like a statement not a question.  Weird huh?

So I've been comtemplating on the first part of the book of James.  James 1:1 - "when you fall into various trials."  Not 'if' but "when".  This tells me trials will come.

Then looking down to James 1:13 - "let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone."  So temptation is evil, but God can't be evil or do evil to us.

Then the next verse 14 tells me that temptation comes from being drawn into my own desires.  So the devil didn't make me do it.  I've always thought we gave him too much credit.  But look at verse16 and notice "Do not be deceived".  Does this refer to satan as the deceiver or to us deceiving ourselves?  I think the latter.  If so, then we have to point at ourselves when we fall into temptation which leads to sin.

Verse 17 is very reassurring to me.  All good and perfect gifts are from God.  And God doesn't change.  Numbers 23:19 says "God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent."

It's interesting to me that the book of James is being written "to the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad" who, if I'm not mistaken, were all lost in history except for two.

Just a thought.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Crazy's Not That Far Away

When hubby & I married nineteen years ago, I knew there would come a time there would be a bump in the road. What I didn't realize though was that 21 years difference in age can create a crater.

I am not handling caregiving very well this time. Hubs had a heart attack & open heart surgery March of 2010. Since then he mostly sits around & talks about how someday he's gonna get better. He wouldn't go to rehab after surgery, he quit home PT after 4 visits & he hasn't slept in a bed since he came home. Oh & he won't go to any doctor, just a nurse practitioner here in town.

He's developed neuropothy in feet & legs so he can't walk far or stand for long. This is part of what caused him to fall again for the umpteenth time yesterday. He's been so fortunate that he hasn't gotten hurt really bad.

One of my many short lived careers was a certified nursing assistant that was to lead to nursing school, so I more than understand what he's doing to himself. I think this is the main reason I am losing my last nerve with him. And of course I am extremely outspoken to him about the whole deal, so he is definitely WELL informed.

I know this is a thankless yet noble calling to be a caregiver. But with the attitude I've had lately, the only thing noble about it is the fact that I haven't strangled him yet!

Caleb & I were talking the other day driving back from one of our great adventures to Wal-mart. I told him this is not where I thought I'd be in life when I was eighteen. In fact, don't think I've ever been where I thought I'd be. Seems I've used up most of my life taking care of someone else.

Yes, I have been on the needing end too, but I never took pleasure in someone waiting on me & I always wanted to get up & get back to myself. Yes, I've told him he can't get better sitting on his butt.

We went by the drugstore to pick up meds & met up with someone we hadn't seen in awhile. Hubs started kidding her about when was she gonna get married again. "Never" was her answer, "it's worse than taking care of a two year old".

Hubs was picking at me last night & I don't take to that very well. I call it aggravation. Told him, "what you gonna do when you drive me crazy & I can't take care of you anymore?"

He says, "You think I can't get another women?"

I said, "Good luck!"

And to top all the aggravation off, I've dropped my full glass of sweet iced tea two days in a row & had to clean it up. And in the same spot too! That's the ONLY clean spot in my house and that's the truth!

I keep remembering a time long ago after my mother died, I went to my dear Dr. Friday & told him I thought I was going crazy. He said, totally straight faced & serious, "If you think you're going crazy, you're not. Crazy people don't know they're crazy." Wonder if he put those words of wisdom in my medical notes?

When hubs fell yesterday, we had to pick him up. He was messing around with junk on the porch, bent over to get something out from UNDER the porch & his knees gave out. He can hardly walk & he's trying to dig for junk that's been there for a hundred years. Maybe if I start talking about life insurance he'll quit some of this stupid stuff that he ought to know not to be doing. Things like this make me think men take a secret course in how to act like a two year old.

So about directions to Crazy, I'm almost there. Will let you know, or maybe not.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Warning! Whiney Post! - #1

There's a saying that goes something like: There are 3 sides to every story; yours, theirs & the truth.

Don't remember who said this & not gonna look it up right now. I've always done my best to speak the truth or not speak at all. Yes, I think I'm one of those that will tell you the truth, if you ask for it, even if it hurts. But you've been warned that this is my whiny post, so go no further if you don't want to hear my story of random gripes & , yes, truths.

I've always considered myself to be a poor person. Mind you, I know God has blessed me in many ways, just not with money. I am now 59 & never in my life have I had enough money that I could set it aside & let it grow for a rainy day. Most of the time I barely made it from pay check to pay check.

I've never starved (afraid you can look at me & see that), nor have I ever been homeless (except for almost 1 time) & most of the time (not always) I eventually got my bills paid. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs although at times in my life I have been around people that have. I always thought it was a good thing I didn't cause I never could afford it.

The most frivolous indulgences I have are internet service & our 2 computers & I can justify that as therapy to keep us from going nuts. My only other therapy is buying fabric for quilting, which I haven't done in so long that I'm beginning to get withdrawal symptoms (only another quilter could understand).

I've never been on a vacation in my adult life except for once when my 1st son, Ben, was little, my exes parents took us to Florida. We got there late one afternoon, found a hotel room (no reservations made), ate supper, walked on the beach & wondered why everyone was packing up & leaving. Next morning a hurricane came in, so we packed up & left too.

I've had times when I was out of work & couldn't find any. I've been out of work for extended amounts of times because of illness or injury. I've always tried to have & keep a job. Some people think that when someone is out of work it's their own fault. That's not an all encompassing truth.

I lost what I thought was a good job once because I hurt myself at work. When I got over it & wanted to get my job back, they had given it to someone else. So instead of going back into a management position with benefits, they gave me an hourly job & sometimes cut me to less than 20 hours a week.

Well there's a saying about payback too, but I'll just think that one. The girl that took my job ended up robbing the safe then setting fire to the building to cover it up.

Another job I had was at KFC. At the time, I knew the main reason I was fired, but nothing I could do about it. It's really bad to lose a job because someone decides to sleep with the boss to get ahead, but it wasn't until years later that another reason presented itself.

Probably 20 years later, a girl that was working there with me at the time came to visit our church. We had seen each other thru the years, but not really been close. In talking she said do you remember when you invented the 'broasted potatoes'. Can you imagine the light bulb that went off in my head? After 20+ years I finally put 2 + 2 together.

It was shortly after my 'invention' that I was fired. I don't know this for a fact, but I'm guessing the owners of that KFC got some kind of bonus for submitting a new product to put on the menu. Money will do strange things to some people. There I was a single mother & only my income & poof it's gone.

I was out of work 3 months before I found something else. If I hadn't had my mother to back me up we would have been homeless, helpless & hopeless. The next job I had to take was going in at closing time to clean which usually took til about 3 am or later.

Have you ever thought about what it would take for you to become homeless? How long would it take to go thru your 'comfortable' savings just for living expenses? Well I think about stuff like this all the time.

I say God has blessed me & He has. Before I had a house & land to call my own, I had a trailer that got moved around a bit, but it was mine. I shutter to think of living in a cardboard box on someone else's land. & most people are foolish enough to think it could never happen to them. Do you really think that all the cardboard box dwellers grew up dreaming of living in one?

I've never lived in an apartment/house with the knowing of having to pay rent the rest of my life. I may have to at some point, but I got other stuff I want to think about for now.

Our house is in really bad shape right now. When we moved here 18 years ago, I was supposed to be able to work til regular retirement age or longer. My husband was supposed to be physically able to fix up the house with my help & with the help of our son as he grew older. All that didn't work out as planned. It may be falling apart, but it's paid for.

My son has told me about a government housing project that is being built for poor people somewhere out west in the desert. Something he found on the internet. If this is true, this sounds like yet another American tragedy in the making; forcing people into a box so the government can wash their hands.

My thinking is, if they keep taking away disability & SS benefits & I can't pay my bills & the house does fall apart, I still got this piece of land. As of now in AL, at least, if you meet certain requirements, you can claim homestead & be exempt from property tax. I may not be able to have utilities or food, but I got an old barn out back.

Now if all this comes to be & the government finds out poor people can still own land, I'm sure they'll find a way to take it away.

Don't get me wrong. I love America. It's the greatest country in the world. It's just the people that run it. Sometimes I feel like my cat could do a better job. & when we do end up with someone with more than cat sense, the other idiots beat them down or add so much on that it's like 'what was the point'. I have no faith in our leaders.

I numbered these posts cause I don't think I'm thru whining! Don't really think anyone is gonna read them, so if I get surprised & they do, I might end up with some 'unfriends' on fb.

All I can say to that is "Oh well".