Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tents & Roads Not Taken

It's sad how words come back to haunt you. Something said yesterday or 20 years ago creeping back into your head & making you think of things best left alone.

I wonder if other people do this. Or do they just bubble along from day to day like never a care can touch them. Guess I think too much, especially when I'm down.

In these times, when I'm wanting so not to be in this life I'm living, I try to lift myself up & say it's all for a reason; there's a lesson to be learned that I need to learn. But that little irritating voice pipes in to say 'naw that's not it, you made a bad decision along the road.'

'A bad decision.' I've heard that recently from someone in relation to someone else. Is that how people explain the wrongs that happen. Is everyone in two neat little groups; the ones that have made bad decisions & the ones who have it made?

So where is the line? Someone that has lost their job through no fault of their own, then lost their home, then the family fell apart, was that a bad decision to have taken that job because they were gonna lose it? Or was it a bad decision because they didn't foresee losing the job & seek another before failure hit them?

When I see one of the have it made's, I think they've never known how it is to get down & nothing you seem to do makes it right. They seem to overlook the scenario that one day could be their day to find out.

And sometimes Christians are the worst at seeing their blessings for what they could be; a taste of what they could be doing without. There is this thing called practicing humility. Sort of like practice what you preach. 

I've kinda taken off down a different road myself. Meaning, I'm trying to look at something that happened in my family yesterday, take out the anger, the hurt feelings & see where it leads me.

Seems all thoughts lead me back to bad decisions & roads not taken. And the thought just occurred to me, how blessed it would be to be satisfied with your life. But would it really be a blessing. When you really think about that it seems sorta like sleeping in church; you miss a lot.

So what to do about this dilemma I have of not wanting to be living my life. How many times have I said, 'when all else fails, read the directions.' Now THAT would be turning it over to God & truly trusting Him to walk with me through whatever happens.

But I always think I have to fix it; it being whatever is broken. Just who do I think I am?

At least 20 years ago, a friend & I were talking about relationships. She was having hubby problems & me, I don't remember, except that I was divorced at the time. And the words that are coming back to haunt me now, "if I had someone who truly loved me, I would live in a tent & pee in the woods."

At the time, that statement was the personification of the love I could have for someone who truly loved me. Although I couldn't physically survive or pee in the woods now, the jest of it remains true.

But where I am now, I do not feel loved. So why am I here? And am I here to learn a lesson I need to learn. I can think of a few I know I should learn. And if this is where God wants me to be to make me into who I should become, who am I to say this is a bad decision.

A road is a road. You never know what's down at the end of it until you get there.