Crazy's Not That Far Away

When hubby & I married nineteen years ago, I knew there would come a time there would be a bump in the road. What I didn't realize though was that 21 years difference in age can create a crater.

I am not handling caregiving very well this time. Hubs had a heart attack & open heart surgery March of 2010. Since then he mostly sits around & talks about how someday he's gonna get better. He wouldn't go to rehab after surgery, he quit home PT after 4 visits & he hasn't slept in a bed since he came home. Oh & he won't go to any doctor, just a nurse practitioner here in town.

He's developed neuropothy in feet & legs so he can't walk far or stand for long. This is part of what caused him to fall again for the umpteenth time yesterday. He's been so fortunate that he hasn't gotten hurt really bad.

One of my many short lived careers was a certified nursing assistant that was to lead to nursing school, so I more than understand what he's doing to himself. I think this is the main reason I am losing my last nerve with him. And of course I am extremely outspoken to him about the whole deal, so he is definitely WELL informed.

I know this is a thankless yet noble calling to be a caregiver. But with the attitude I've had lately, the only thing noble about it is the fact that I haven't strangled him yet!

Caleb & I were talking the other day driving back from one of our great adventures to Wal-mart. I told him this is not where I thought I'd be in life when I was eighteen. In fact, don't think I've ever been where I thought I'd be. Seems I've used up most of my life taking care of someone else.

Yes, I have been on the needing end too, but I never took pleasure in someone waiting on me & I always wanted to get up & get back to myself. Yes, I've told him he can't get better sitting on his butt.

We went by the drugstore to pick up meds & met up with someone we hadn't seen in awhile. Hubs started kidding her about when was she gonna get married again. "Never" was her answer, "it's worse than taking care of a two year old".

Hubs was picking at me last night & I don't take to that very well. I call it aggravation. Told him, "what you gonna do when you drive me crazy & I can't take care of you anymore?"

He says, "You think I can't get another women?"

I said, "Good luck!"

And to top all the aggravation off, I've dropped my full glass of sweet iced tea two days in a row & had to clean it up. And in the same spot too! That's the ONLY clean spot in my house and that's the truth!

I keep remembering a time long ago after my mother died, I went to my dear Dr. Friday & told him I thought I was going crazy. He said, totally straight faced & serious, "If you think you're going crazy, you're not. Crazy people don't know they're crazy." Wonder if he put those words of wisdom in my medical notes?

When hubs fell yesterday, we had to pick him up. He was messing around with junk on the porch, bent over to get something out from UNDER the porch & his knees gave out. He can hardly walk & he's trying to dig for junk that's been there for a hundred years. Maybe if I start talking about life insurance he'll quit some of this stupid stuff that he ought to know not to be doing. Things like this make me think men take a secret course in how to act like a two year old.

So about directions to Crazy, I'm almost there. Will let you know, or maybe not.