Saturday, December 25, 2010

Turkey Juice Explosion - How Was Your Christmas?

I'm cured of turkey!  Never to infinity do I ever want to feel the urge to cook turkey again.  Don't think I even want anything made of turkey, at least for a long while.

Sitting here thinking of the event, I still can't wrap my head around it.  Even during, it was surreal; like slowmo.

I've been without a conventional stove for several years now, at least, the oven part.  You have to learn to adapt in situations like this.  So far, a toaster oven and a crockpot have sufficed.

Thought I was doing so good for this Christmas even planning to fix turkey and trimmings. Once several years ago, my hubby and younger son actually had the nerve to gripe about a Christmas meal after I had slaved for two days cooking.  For about the next three years, they got hot dogs for all holiday meals.

The huge food fixing frenzy at holidays has always been a big tradition in our family, as probably it is with most families.  I may not be a five star, own TV show chef type, but I am by no means an amaetur at the game.  I think mom put a paring knife in my hand as soon as she trusted me with one.  And even before that, I helped with little kid stuff like peeling eggs or mixing stuff.

So I had bought a turkey roaster last week for the 13 pound turkey I had bought at Thanksgiving and couldn't cook cause it wouldn't fit in any of my alternative cooking appliances.  Man was that a bummer!  Thaw turkey, get up early to start cooking, wash and baste it, mess up everything in the kitchen trying to find something it'll fit in, end up wrapping it with plastic wrap, throwing it back in the freezer and going back to bed.  Don't remember what we had, but it sure wasn't turkey.

Yesterday I roasted this wonderful turkey.  The roaster oven cooked it up so well and fast, even browned the skin.  Was so pleased.  Planning to cook ahead a little, I wrapped my turkey up good after cooling, so it wouldn't dry out and strained the juice in a stainless boiler ready to heat up to mix dressing.

This mornings finishing touches were to be so simple.  Make the dressing.  That was the only really time consuming part left to do.  Oh, but my turkey broth was already strained and in a boiler all ready to heat and add to the cornbread cooking.

So I put this golden liquid on the stovetop to heat.  I turn my back for two seconds and it boils over.  Ok, caught it.  Not too much damage.  Weird though.  The stuff isn't even hot.  Maybe it boiled over because I had the lid on.

I turn the eye back on, tilt the lid and turn to work on the celery.  In the mist of all this, I've called Caleb in to retrieve a bottle of sage that I couldn't find.

That's when it happened!  I am so glad I had a witness cause I still can't believe it myself and I was there.  Just as we were turning from the pantry, that lid exploded off the top of that boiler and turkey juice was fueling it's climb!  The only thing the juice didn't cover was the space behind my body!  How it missed my hair I can't figure out, but everything else was dripping with greasy turkey juice!

It got the ceiling, the walls, the window by the stove, all my canisters, counters and the floor was so covered, I was scared to move for fear of sliding down.  It even got the toaster and the toaster oven that were plugged in.  It would have kept going if it hadn't blown out the gas burner under it.  And I didn't even think until now, it could have caught fire!

Of course, with Caleb being a teenager, he laughed so hard I thought he was gonna pass out.  Me?  I was thinking: cry, throw-up, or leave.  But instead I had to play grownup.  Rats!  I really would have liked to have chosen the latter.

I think I hate turkey!  Still can't figure out why.  I mean, the stuff still had not gotten hot.  I'm sure someone smarter than me could come up with some scientific explanation, but here's a real scientific fact from actual experimentation; luke warm turkey grease can be used as a cleaning agent.

Yeah, you heard that right!  When I got to wiping up all that mess, that burnt on gook around the burner eyes came off with just soapy water.  And you should see the bottom of that copper clad Revere Ware boiler the juice was in.  So shiny!  If only I had thought soon enough and set my entire set of copper cookware on the floor before we mopped up the grease!  Duh!

Maybe next time.  Oh, but there's not gonna be a next time cause I hate turkey!

You should have heard my hubby later when I finally finished cooking.  He complimented the meal so many times it became comical.  Like if he didn't, I might never cook again.  Now there's a thought!


  1. Your experience is really a lot worse than mine and have always hated roasting turkey but do it for the family because it is tradition!

    This Thanksgiving I just poured all of the cold greasy turkey juice all over my feet, shoes, legs, and the kitchen floor! What a mess and my DIL took pictures of me cleaning up, after she got the mop and gallon of vinegar from the laundry room. I had my feet on paper towels, while I mopped. Don't think that floor has been that clean in years!

  2. My hubby and son say there is no way that could have happened. I had to laugh, though I know that it was not funny at the time. I am glad no one was burned or hurt in the incident.

  3. I have never heard tell of such a thing! Sorry but I'm laughing with Caleb, but only after I read you didn't get hurt!

  4. OMG! You poor thing! Loved the teens response. That will be a family story for eternity! You will live in infamy,

  5. Yikes. Good thing I never liked turkey from the start.